Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Pain With Depression - When Your Joy Goes on Holiday

Superwoman I am not. I've been very depressed lately. As in very.

For a number of reasons I think.

One is, I ran low on guaifenisen, my life-with-any-value-saving drug. I had ordered from Fludan.com, my super-awesome supplier for the past 5 years, & they had delayed shipment due to the need to fix the pill stuffer or something like that. In the meantime, I started rationing my supply to about 2 pills (1200 mg) a day & my pain symptoms went up & up, I found it harder to breathe, I wasn't sleeping well, & all the symptoms of FMS started coming back. Such as lack of mental clarity. Such as ... I ... started ... staring off into space again... mind totally blank...and found...it hard to move... my body. Basically, my brain started shutting down.

Finally I heard back from the wonderful folks at Fludan who explained the fluke & generously sent me extra product to make up for it. I got my shipment today from the post office & took 4 pills immediately. My energy popped back up, I went to the gym to work out, I could breathe, I had Tigger-type bounciness, and generally, my yummy, awesome, smart, self started to return. This all on a rainy day. So yea for Fludan & guai!!

The second problem was that we had the holidays. Holidays are taxing for everyone, most of all for those with chronic pain. You add a few extra activities and a whole lot more emotional taxation & we are basically almost non-functioning.

Then, thirdly I started a new job. Wonderful. My commute is lowered from 1.5 hours per day, including 2 train rides and 1/2 hour of walking in the elements (did I mention it got to zero degrees this week?) to now a 10-minute ride in a pre-heated car. Yes, a remote starter was among my gifts for Christmas. Coupled with a programmable thermostat in my house. Warm to warm to warm, goes my commute, work & home now. Oh. Yes, but there is the problem where I merely changed jobs. I didn't change my attitude TOWARD it, I still was stuck with the old stressed out me.

But I digress.

So I was crying on my couch the other day from my lack of hope for any of this improving, when I happened to watch the cool & awesome Tim Tebow before the Pats game. Yes, the one where the Broncos got, what, 15 negative yard plays, while we, the Pats, broke records? Where you couldn't even SEE the Brady plays, they were already over, while you were yelling at Tebow "LET GO OF THE BALL!" Yes, that game.

So Tebow is speaking before the game to a cute little girl named Bailey, and talking about the really important things in life. Such as how she put life in perspective for him. She had had 73 surgeries.

Here I am on the couch crying as I hear this, and it also puts life in perspective for me. I thank him, and I thank her. Depression aside, I am not dying. My body has turned on itself (thanks to biowarfare), my countries are unleashing deadly force on us unsuspecting tax-payers (said instigators of biowarfare), we are sick and in pain (hopefully we will buy the prescribed meds & boost the pharmaceutical industry coffers) - YET I am not dying.

Somehow, after I saw the cute smiley girl, I was no longer depressed. Yes, I was frustrated. I was in pain. I was sad. My situation did not change. But my perspective did. Somehow, she was finding JOY amidst her PAIN, while I was not.

Today is a new day. I am no longer that depressed. Yes, it is still there somewhat, but some of the joy has returned. I remembered what the goal is. Life sucks. For all of us in varying degrees. For some more than others. But still, there is JOY.

You just have to seek it out, and hang with those who self-manufacture it. The cute smiley girl did named Bailey. And I want to be with her, in the game of joy-making. Though I cannot identify with her condition or experience, I do want to share her joy.

Where is the joy? I think I found it again - in her.