5 Ideas for Dealing with a Control-Freak CPer

People with pain tend to be control freaks. We can't help it. Every little thing gets on our nerves  and this is literal if we have degenerated or damaged nervous systems, like people with FMS do. We are a nervous wreck of the Hespurus, and it sucks.

Two very little secrets I will share with you...we know we are control freaks, and we hate it also, along with the pain we hate. Second, we actually do applaud you for putting up with us. Really.

But that doesn't make life any easier for you. You - the tolerant, endlessly patient caretaker who feels like you have no rights anymore, because the Control Freak has eliminated them all for his/her "illness."

Here is the dilemma for us CPers (chronic painers). For us, it's not just other people that create drama in our lives. We have the problem of being at war with ourselves.

Imagine your worst enemy is your body. It turns against you, and you are left in an eternal battle to accommodate it, override it, fix it, hate it, love it, etc. Instead of other people being the focus, YOU are your own everlasting opponent.

Credits:  DeviantArt 

Yeah, it sucks.

So CPers do everything they can to minimize external problems, because that may help lower internal  ones. That may translate to...complete control freakiness. 

In case you think it is only annoying for you, who can't seem to even breathe without your CPer complaining about it, trust me. It is more annoying for your CPer. We are trapped in a cycle we can never leave. 

So what can you do when your beloved (or annoying) CPer once again controls the heating, the lights, the sound, every move you make, and every bark the dog makes?  Here are 5 ideas

1. Forgive & understand. Realize this is not about you. It is about them being overwhelmed & in pain. They cannot change the factors that create pain for them, and they are just trying to survive with dignity.
2. Offer to help. Yes, I agree. This is not the time you feel like helping. But, to quote a famous Nike slogan, Just do it. Say, "Cutiesugarpieloverbaby, seems like you are frustrated. Is there anything I can do to help you out?"
3. Call it what it really is. Realize often the control freakiness is - frustration. Anger at oneself and the universe that dammit, we are sick. So address frustration in your beloved CPer, before you address the control issues.
4. Leave. For the moment. If you are annoyed at the behavior, just take a break so you don't yell at someone in pain. That really never helps anyone. So go get ice cream. Go to the gym. Leave your CPer to relax alone for a few minutes without you creating more stress for them.
5. When you return, ask to chat about solutions. Stand up for yourself kindly and graciously. If you want to leave your sox on the floor, or want to feel like you can, start speaking up. Let your CPer know that you need to feel the freedom to put your clothes on the floor, at least sometimes. Then ask what options might be available to lower frustration levels around it. Can you put your sox on the bathroom floor on M, W & Fri between 7 and 9 p.m.? Should you pay for a cleaning woman to come pick up your sox daily (do they even do this!)? Can you buy trendy, fashionable new sox from the Arthur George line and leave them on the floor beautifully? Can you have a certain area where you can stack sox 6 feet high, vertically?

It's not easy dealing with a control freak, but remember, they didn't choose this. Their internal environment is in chaos & pain. Your CPer (or you) didn't choose to be like this. They can't help it. But you can help negotiate how you live in their world, so that you also don't get filled with resentment or start needless arguments.

Support your CPer in controlling their world by making it liveable and workable for you also. It takes communication & thoughtfulness, but you will be providing true love & care by lessening their load.