Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Yes, no, maybe it is all in my head...

There is something about an invisible, non-death-inducing illness that makes people want to believe you chose it. I am not sure what this is exactly.

For example, if I told you I had cancer, you would melt with sympathy. Yes?

So why is one of the new diseases considered made-up just because doctors haven't invented a cure for it yet? (But rather run and hide their heads in the sand.)

I have two hyptheses for this. One is that it's not fashionable. Until we have an ice-bucket challenge, frankly my dear, no one gives a damn.

The second is that it reminds other people of the only thing they can identify with: their own perspective. If they cannot wrap their mind around it, the problem is with your mind instead.

There is also a third option. That is, that they are somewhat right. At one time, the origin of a medical condition WAS in the mind. The mind and emotions broke down and then the body followed.

After all, there is the Biblical and medical view - keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life. And yes, now I have an issue with life.

My anger with people asking me if my condition is all in my head stems partly from the fact that it hurts to be misunderstood and distrusted. (Why yes, thank you, it feels great to know that you think I am so attention-seeking that I would fabricate a fake medical condition just so I could give up everything I love, like violin performance, downhill skiing, swimming, dancing - and yes, even  seeing my friends for longer than 2 hours at a time. That my selfishness is so great that. I choose  sickness over a vibrant, fulfilled life. That yes, I desired to be laying around in bed rather than having a sexy husband, big house, 2.5 kids, an smashingly-successful career, and a black lab named Fido.)

But another part is worried you are right. Is it me? Am I responsible for creating my own destiny?

Fortunately this is where the medical tests come in. And the genetic tests. And the family members that have the same condition, with greater or lesser symptoms. Fortunately all of these (still to be reviewed with Doc Youngberg) tell me - yes, there is a biological reason for that.

So is it all in my head? Maybe it started there. Maybe it will be fixed there.

But for right now, let's just say...Not so much.

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