Monday, September 12, 2011

Dating With Chronic Pain - Guys' Perspective

This morning I was reading the Plenty of Fish Forums, which I adore. Many good comments from men here, and generally, the best online commentary on dating & relationships I have found. Generous, insightful commentary.

One woman wrote a post on asking about chronic pain. It is located here. (Click on the word here for the site.)

The reason I am posting this here is because I really thought two responses are great. The first deals with disclosure, the second with how you handle the pain.

Disclosure

The first suggestion is to absolutely be open about your condition. This is for several reasons - as it may impact everything from sex to children. One guy, IgorFrankensteen says this:

"So, if your chronic pain means "no sex," then you'll probably get a lot of guys mad at you if you date them for several weeks before telling them."


How You Handle Pain

The second is from the guy called AintNoDeal is very important to consider. One reason: it's exactly what I did this weekend when I was in pain. Try to fix it myself and be strong & not complaining. Here is what he said when the woman asks if she is going to be alone forever due to her illness (endometriosis)...

"I think it's wrong for you to blame your acute CONDITION as the reason men run away. It's how you BEHAVE due to your condition that is the stick in the camel's back. If you were somehow strong and silent, guys may tend to hang around, because they would become unaware of your difficulty because you don't mention it.

"I'm not suggesting you hide your condition.

"I'm saying men react to what they see as a problem. If you don't appear to be struggling and complaining, they won't consider it an issue. If it's not a problem for YOU, it's no problem for THEM.

"Take any women off the street -- if she complaints 20 days a month about her monthly visit, guys will avoid her because she "appears" to be disfunctional. A woman could bleed 29 days a month, but if she didn't gripe about it, most men would be clueless.

"Try not to make YOUR ISSUE, THEIR ISSUE."



Ladies & gentlemen, be strong and of good courage. Just be honest in the process.

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