I Could Have Been Sooo Much More - If It Weren't For This Damn Pain

What-if's plague everyone. Most of all, those of us who failed to realize our dreams because our bodies gave out. This is not lack of motivation. This is lack of facility.

We just can't make it happen. Or, the cost is too great.

You like my music? Great. What is it that YOU do that causes excruciating pain that I might enjoy? Would you do it, if you could? Yeah. No.

Torturing oneself for the sake of others' pleasure is an ancient - um, wait, did this ever exist? I know that torturing oneself for the sake of ones' own guilt DID exist (i.e. self-flagellation). And torturing others for the sake of one's own pleasure or the "greater good" is also common in history.

Have you ever heard of someone torturing themselves for the sake of everyone else's pleasure? Yeah. I haven't. Oh wait. There is the ballet...

So there are some who do put themselves through he** for ulterior motives. Specifically athletes - such as boxers & football players. But the trade-off is, they get fame & fortune & tip-top pay for it. Most musicians don't.

Why do pain-filled artists without extreme monetary motivation do this? Creative drive. And - WE ARE GOOD. Yeah. It sucks, but if we are good at something, and love it, we make ourselves victims to your pleasure. Ugh.

The travesty is, we could probably have excelled and surpassed those without pain that make a living at their art form. I've been told many times by my RIP orchestra director, Dr. Virginia Gene Rittenhouse, that I should to go a conservatory. And (snotty-sounding, I know), I am a much better performer than some of my friends who don't have pain. Yeah. Oh well.

They can, I can't.

So what do you do when your drive surpasses your body? Re-channel. If a stream can't find an outlet one place, it goes another. It might not be as prestigious a stream, or get as much attention ("Look baby, the Rhyne River!") but it still conveys water. Which I guess is a useful function.

If your task or drive is to convey "art" to other people, and you cannot use your original form: improvise. Really. That's all you got. I'm not being generous, I'm being real. Try a new art form. Can't, say, play the violin? Sing. Create digital photography. Write. Or do all three, like I do.

Can you still produce that art that makes YOU the happiest. No. I can never replicate the exileration of producing beautiful violin music on ANY other form of ANYTHING. That satisfaction, that ship, has sailed, baby.

But then, the poor starving folks in wherever aren't getting their IDEAL food either. (I hope, you are helping to donate something for them to eat, and somebody is getting it to them.) Either way, they don't have their ideal.

Ideal is no longer an option.

So if you have food to eat, and can pay your bills, consider yourself lucky. If you lose your "best case scenario" my advice is: deal with it. IMPROVISE.

Really. Just go on. "Ideal" is nice, but it does not make the world go round. Or your tummy full. Thank God every day you have food on your table and wait for Heaven, where you will own a Strad.

Oh, AND, be able to play it....

(This post dedicated to CCJ.)