LoveSickHatred - When Someone You Love Hates Your Sick

"You are old. You are sick. Nobody will want you." So went the words to me from somebody who I was in a relationship with. Sombody who said they loved me. Like perhaps, the day before.

[Pause for Shock & Awwww break]

[Yup, still pausing...]

Sadly, I'm not the only girl to face this startling reality, although probably the only one to actually read it in an email intended for - her. Most people in life have some sort of social filter that prevents such thoughts from actually coming out of their, um, fingers.

Chronic illness is no fun for anyone. Most of all for ouchy you. Least of all for the guy that starts off fantacizing about how perfect life with you will be. And even if you've warned him, it's a hard fall from fantasy to reality when beautiful, sexy, fun women - such as me - are involved.

What do you do next, after encountering yet another relationship down the drain because you can't convince someone in the beginning you're not a good bet, but they want you to be? You learn.

Here's what you learn:

1. Figure out what kind of relationship YOU need, so that your physical needs are met. Sorry you gotta drop the want out of this, your body will trump your wants every time.

2. Set your life up so that when you need someone, they are safe, kind, and available. As in the case above, this means specifically excluding people who either put you on a pedestal or knock you down. You need people grounded in reality who are loving.

3. Strength is in numbers. You will need a bunch of these people. So that when you wear some out, others are there. For you. Get your different needs met with different people. For a few years now I have maintained what I call a "portfolio of men." These safe, kind and loving guys have seen me at my worst, but still love me. They might not have committed to spending the rest of the time until they get bored with me (the 2000s version of "life") but they have shown they are available when they can be. As one of them said to me recently, "I care about you to the extent that you are ok." Sound sketchy to you? Not me. That is music to my ears. It is precisely when I am NOT ok that I need someone. Baby we have a match.

4. Be selective & keep your business to yourself. The minute anyone, romantic or otherwise, says anything like "Suck it up!" Or "You sure its not all in your head?" Run. Sprint. Fly. Jump. Whatev. Or just stop talking. The weather? Fine. Their kids? Fine. Your illness? Now off topic. Trust me on this one. These people tell THEMSELVES these things so year after year you will hear the same thing. You won't like it any
better time 5 than now.

5. Give up on a traditional relationship. Yeah, life's a bitch. You can't have what everyone else does, so just embrace an alternate relationship pattern. That is, unless of course you have found the magic elixir that I haven't yet. In which case, post please!

6. If you are in a relationship, reassess. Are you in more pain because your needs are not met? Is someone making fun of you? Are you being abused? Are your (older) kids, mate, pets getting the only "feel-good" energy you have? Take a good look at the patterns you have set up or accepted and see a therapist about how to reprioritize yourself. After babies and small children, your pain comes first. And no, not even Kitty needs an exception.

7. When you go to enter a new relationship, set expectations immediately. Learn how to express yourself in positive ways. (Remember the post I wrote called Never Complain, Never Explain? Yeah, it goes for romance too. "Hey baby I gotta run." "Nah, I need to sleep alone in my bed. Tonite. Forever. We'll get two rooms." "Food? You hungry? Let's go OUT!" Be yourself from the beginning. Give your new prospective partner a chance to know how to deal with you, and train him/her in a positive fashion.

8. Recaliber your reality. When you accept that life is a bitch, you will eventually understand how to function on your own, emotionally, without requiring a sole (yeah, as in single) mate. If you revolutionize how you see life, it will open up your reality to all types of new possibilities. You will find a strength in yourself to let others go find their reality. "You don't like being with me who is sick? Gosh dang it. I don't either. Go find someone who is FUN for you!" And shove them out the door. Nicely. Then get on with the business of taking care of YOU, finding a support group for YOU, and having YOUR type of fun.

9. When you cry, and you will, don't cry alone. Get a buddy who knows your pain, and like my precious half-neice, "gets it." Text a friend, contact your "ouchy" buddy, and generally, build a network of beautiful, shiny, happy people that are in pain and still living a zestful life. Because then, you will KNOW you can make it.

10. To reiterate #3, like they say about raising children, pain takes a village. Build yours.

So remember that "Nobody will want you" statement I was told? Guess the universe didn't hear that yet. Got a text just the other day from a good-looking sexy, single guy about how BADLY I was wanted. Since I may not be alive to see tomorrow, we'll just go with today.

I may be sick. I may be getting old. But dang it, somebody WANTS me!