Things You Can Do For Someone in Pain

There is this post I ran across recently called "12 Nice Things You Can Do for Someone in Pain." It is featured here.

Most of them sound pretty cool. Make a meal, give a lift, support their diet, help with the kids, support exercise, help open things. It is fascinating that only one of the things deals with your psychological support to the person. It is called "learn and believe." Yeah this is where people don't deal with your pain until it is visible. Then the lightbulb goes on & they see you aren't faking it, or a hypochondriac, and then they can be more sympathetic.

I'm not sure what my list would be, but I would start out with:

#1: Stop saying stupid stuff. It's pretty simple really. Stop saying you are sorry, saying you wish you could take it all away (unless you are the mother, that is fine), and generally, just stop the platitudes. You don't understand, you won't, you can't, and the less you say the better in that direction. People in pain don't like pity. We are VERY strong and courageous, and pity is infuriating. If we are crying, cry with us. Other than that, exhibit a sympathetic demeanor, ask how they are feeling & listen if they want to talk, & then move immediately into #2.

#2: Ask "what can I do to support you?" And then be ready to support. It may be stuff as simple (but hard) as "Don't talk to me in the morning until one hour after I get up." Yeah. That's really support. Or "Don't look at me every 5 minutes to see the look on my face to see if I'm ok or not." Sometimes support comes in odd ways. But ask. Believe it, and then do it.

#3: Help with solutions. People in pain are experiencing worlds that are closing in on them. Stop with the sympathy (unless you know that the way you give it works for them) and skip straight to the solutions. If they can't play the violin anymore, suggest they try photography. If they can't be on the computer to manipulate their digital photos, how about bringing art shows to them via digital slideshows, so they can take IN the art? If they can't see the digital slideshows, how about finding new compositions for them to listen to and critique. Show your value by increasing the scope of their world & being a solutions provider.

#4: Encourage them to prioritize their bodies. This may mean some of YOUR needs don't get met, as a support person, but suck it up. This is not about you. If prioritizing their bodies and making less pain for themselves means you feed yourself, make your own damn meals. Don't even look at a person in pain when you are hungry with "that" look. Go eat. Or perhaps it is encouraging them to stop cleaning the house. Or take that bath in epsom salts RIGHT now. Or pop that aspirin. Whatever it is, get expert in pushing them toward the solution they need immediately. They will love you for this, because this is the hardest thing of all for people in pain: giving up and stopping when we don't want to.

#5: Get your needs met somewhere else. Yup. Go. Your person in pain is not the source for your sex, meals, and attention. Sorry. They are an optional source, but not THE source. They just can't do it sometimes. Or maybe anytime. Choose how you want to relate to them, but in the meantime, don't put them under pressure. If you are in a committed relationship and aren't supposed to be having sex somewhere else, have that discussion. Don't make your needs stay unmet or guess what? You will leave. So give them the choice. Whatever that is.

So that would be my mini-list. Feel free to add thoughts as they might come up. But sometimes life is much harder than it looks. Supporting a person in pain isn't just bringing them a drink of water or a hot water bottle. It is helping them struggle with the DEEP issues of living, what they are giving up, how they can no longer be there for you, the kids, the dog, themselves, and how they might die alone and in pain.

Be that person.

You will love yourself for it, and so will your person in pain!

Dating With Chronic Pain - Guys' Perspective

This morning I was reading the Plenty of Fish Forums, which I adore. Many good comments from men here, and generally, the best online commentary on dating & relationships I have found. Generous, insightful commentary.

One woman wrote a post on asking about chronic pain. It is located here. (Click on the word here for the site.)

The reason I am posting this here is because I really thought two responses are great. The first deals with disclosure, the second with how you handle the pain.

Disclosure

The first suggestion is to absolutely be open about your condition. This is for several reasons - as it may impact everything from sex to children. One guy, IgorFrankensteen says this:

"So, if your chronic pain means "no sex," then you'll probably get a lot of guys mad at you if you date them for several weeks before telling them."


How You Handle Pain

The second is from the guy called AintNoDeal is very important to consider. One reason: it's exactly what I did this weekend when I was in pain. Try to fix it myself and be strong & not complaining. Here is what he said when the woman asks if she is going to be alone forever due to her illness (endometriosis)...

"I think it's wrong for you to blame your acute CONDITION as the reason men run away. It's how you BEHAVE due to your condition that is the stick in the camel's back. If you were somehow strong and silent, guys may tend to hang around, because they would become unaware of your difficulty because you don't mention it.

"I'm not suggesting you hide your condition.

"I'm saying men react to what they see as a problem. If you don't appear to be struggling and complaining, they won't consider it an issue. If it's not a problem for YOU, it's no problem for THEM.

"Take any women off the street -- if she complaints 20 days a month about her monthly visit, guys will avoid her because she "appears" to be disfunctional. A woman could bleed 29 days a month, but if she didn't gripe about it, most men would be clueless.

"Try not to make YOUR ISSUE, THEIR ISSUE."

Ladies & gentlemen, be strong and of good courage. Just be honest in the process.

I Could Have Been Sooo Much More - If It Weren't For This Damn Pain

What-if's plague everyone. Most of all, those of us who failed to realize our dreams because our bodies gave out. This is not lack of motivation. This is lack of facility.

We just can't make it happen. Or, the cost is too great.

You like my music? Great. What is it that YOU do that causes excruciating pain that I might enjoy? Would you do it, if you could? Yeah. No.

Torturing oneself for the sake of others' pleasure is an ancient - um, wait, did this ever exist? I know that torturing oneself for the sake of ones' own guilt DID exist (i.e. self-flagellation). And torturing others for the sake of one's own pleasure or the "greater good" is also common in history.

Have you ever heard of someone torturing themselves for the sake of everyone else's pleasure? Yeah. I haven't. Oh wait. There is the ballet...

So there are some who do put themselves through he** for ulterior motives. Specifically athletes - such as boxers & football players. But the trade-off is, they get fame & fortune & tip-top pay for it. Most musicians don't.

Why do pain-filled artists without extreme monetary motivation do this? Creative drive. And - WE ARE GOOD. Yeah. It sucks, but if we are good at something, and love it, we make ourselves victims to your pleasure. Ugh.

The travesty is, we could probably have excelled and surpassed those without pain that make a living at their art form. I've been told many times by my RIP orchestra director, Dr. Virginia Gene Rittenhouse, that I should to go a conservatory. And (snotty-sounding, I know), I am a much better performer than some of my friends who don't have pain. Yeah. Oh well.

They can, I can't.

So what do you do when your drive surpasses your body? Re-channel. If a stream can't find an outlet one place, it goes another. It might not be as prestigious a stream, or get as much attention ("Look baby, the Rhyne River!") but it still conveys water. Which I guess is a useful function.

If your task or drive is to convey "art" to other people, and you cannot use your original form: improvise. Really. That's all you got. I'm not being generous, I'm being real. Try a new art form. Can't, say, play the violin? Sing. Create digital photography. Write. Or do all three, like I do.

Can you still produce that art that makes YOU the happiest. No. I can never replicate the exileration of producing beautiful violin music on ANY other form of ANYTHING. That satisfaction, that ship, has sailed, baby.

But then, the poor starving folks in wherever aren't getting their IDEAL food either. (I hope, you are helping to donate something for them to eat, and somebody is getting it to them.) Either way, they don't have their ideal.

Ideal is no longer an option.

So if you have food to eat, and can pay your bills, consider yourself lucky. If you lose your "best case scenario" my advice is: deal with it. IMPROVISE.

Really. Just go on. "Ideal" is nice, but it does not make the world go round. Or your tummy full. Thank God every day you have food on your table and wait for Heaven, where you will own a Strad.

Oh, AND, be able to play it....

(This post dedicated to CCJ.)

Honoring a Body That Has Betrayed You - Why & How You Must

"Neck, I honor you. You have held my violin up for years. This brought me a wealth of satisfaction, to the stage of Carnegie Hall, a life of travel only the richest could afford, life-long friendships,and the skill of performing, in any capacity."
"Arms, I honor you. You make my life happen. You support my writing, which pays my bills. You played the violin. You carry my luggage on vacation. You help me move to a new place. You hug my friends. You pet my cat."
"Back, I honor you. You sit all day long and hurt so I can type and write, and you make everything possible."
"Legs, I honor you. You carry me to work everyday, you work out at the gym to look sexy & guys love you. As someone just said, you (my legs) got me dinner last night!"

So went my thoughts to myself, as tears streamed down my cheeks during the inaugural massage of my vacation.

Hating your body when you hurt is just so fundamental that you MUST learn ways to honor it. Whatever works, praise it. Baby it. Honor its functions, if not its form or HOW it feels to produce results for you.

Why should you do this? How do you expect to recover or lower your pain levels with hatred as a motivator? Won't happen.

Laying on the massage table, I compared myself woefully to a restored Model-T. I look pretty on the outside, but ain't no way you're gettin' 80 outta this baby. Or heck, even 50.

My body has worked hard over the years. It has brought me around the world, to 50 countries, pays my bills, and loves the people around me. But do I love it for all its sacrifices for me? Not so much. In fact, I hate it.

My body has betrayed me. It, who was supposed to bring me pleasure, success, and satisfaction brings me pain, depression and fear (I will not be able to survive).

When you are betrayed, what do you do? You take revenge. You say "F*#@ you" and try to hurt what hurts you back. So what does this look like with pain? If something hurts you ignore it. ("You again, neck pain? I don't have time for you! I wish I didn't HAVE a neck to hurt!" ) Or you make it worse. ("Yeah I don't really care how you feel, Mr. Shoulder. Do you care how I feel? You just hurt me all day long. So you're gonna lift weights now cuz you can't hurt AND be ugly too.") (See Beauty & the Beast post for more on this.)

The reason you have to do this (love your body) is for your brain. Yes, your brain betrays you too. It's the reason you have this crazy illness in the first place, probably. But your brain is really caught in the middle. Like Switzerland, your brain has to mediate. It also has to keep you going.

Your brain is the one that gets the message that you babied your body. When you have FMS your body won't necessarily get it. Anything that hurts becomes revenge, even when you don't mean it.("You just went to the chiropractor. Wait, he made MORE pain? Dammit!" "This massage hurts? It was supposed to help! NOOOO!") But still, your brain knows it's for a larger purpose. (Hurt now, happy later.) Even if what you do to help hurts, it's still facing the betrayal head-on.

So today your exercise is to - baby yourself. Be nice to YOU. Even though your body hates you, love it back. Healthy people baby their bodies. Why shouldn't you be the same?

It's not your body's fault you got sick. Stop blaming it & start loving those curves. Ouchy & all.

Beauty & the Beast - When Making You Pretty Hurts Like A Beast

There is this thing where when you hurt you want to look pretty doing it. Don't ask me why, but ouchy AND ugly is a bad combination. I mean, at least look gorgeous in your pain.

For years I have struggled with the dilemma of my prioritization of my looks over how I am feeling. Given that fibromyalgia is worsened by the use of lots of salicylates (read "plants") either internally or externally, it makes looking pretty pretty painful.

For example, lately I've been using Wild Mexican Yam. This product does great things. Gives you great energy. Gives you great boobs. Gives you great boobs. Give you back pain. So here I am on day 3 of using it (again) and the pain in my back is just out of control. Stiff, muscles aching, all stuck together. It will take a few days of lots of guaifenisen to get rid of the effects. And yet. I continue.

It's really hard to shop for products that don't have plants in them. Incredibly hard. For that reason, I use a very restricted list of products. Or I suffer the pain. I switch back and forth. It's just soooo wonderful to sit down and have a Clarins makeover. And buy a bunch of products, because they make your skin look SO fresh and clean. And then you use them and wake up with an achy-breaky-back, and there, whoops, you did it again. You put beauty first, and here is the beast.

Lately I've been trying to get nearly 100% natural products that do the same thing. Or ones with few chemicals & a base product that is awesome. Like Queen Helene Cocoa Butter lotion for my body and face. Just FANTASTIC. Best lotion I have ever used. You can see the difference in my skin in just one application.

And plain cocoa butter, which I use in the stick and wipe around my eyes. The jury is still out, but I think this product is removing that little annoying wrinkle in the inside corner of my eye. I will let you know.

Vitamin E, Cocoa Butter, Shea Butter, these are all great beauty products that are pain-free. Ah that they did more.

I don't have an answer for the beauty-beast dilemma. It also applies to clothes. Yes, here again, ugly is not an option when you feel like he**. Perhaps I will cover clothes later. Or not. I don't have an answer for that either.

But I will say this, if you are like me, keep seeking those products and clothes that make you feel pretty, oh so pretty, without the pain. I'm sure they are out there. I just don't know where...but I will share...if I become aware.

When You're Crying a River - At Work

A professional environment presents difficult challenges to chronic pain victims. We may have the most ergonomic environment that exists, but let's face it. Unless we're an athlete, these don't include ice packs, heat, massage therapists on-call and a specific goal of making sure we are fit and healthy.

Nobody really cares how you feel in a professional setting - your mind is supposed to still work. And your body. Yet you are supposed to need nothing outside of hard, nasty chairs (come on, which ergonomic chairs are made by LazyBoy?) to make you feel like 100%.

So you take this corporate America, add a crazy economy, being over-worked or over-stressed, throw in bad weather, make a Monday morning, and here you are, if you are me, crying at work. Not that home would be any better. Heck, I'd be crying at home too. But at least I get paid to cry here.

How to be most professional when you are at your worst?

1. Know your weaknesses. Thanks to people that like to tell me sh*t about myself, I know that apparently I am bitchy at work on Monday morning. So I do my best to stay away from people, healthy or not, when the week starts. Still, people seem to like me in spite of my fatal flaws, and seek me out to say hello, even though I'm hiding behind my sunglasses, computer & headphones. Oh well. I just try to talk cheerful and keep my face turned away. What else can you do.

2. Do the least you can & still get by. If you know you will be a poor performer Monday morning, T yourself up at the end of the week to look good & then just do as little as possible when you are about to lose it. Keep the pressure down. This may mean taking a lower-paying job, not flying all around the country, & getting rid of client contact in the morning. But heck. If you can't be your best, you won't keep the job. So find a job that allows you to be off at times, and especially on Monday morning.

3. Don't tell your boss. Beyond setting up an ergonomic workplace, required by law, and requesting religious accommodations (something entirely separate) there is very little you need to discuss with your boss. Co-workers, perhaps, especially if you are asking them to share some of your load. But keep in mind, anything you disclose can and will be used against you. Especially if you are a minority, i.e. a woman. It will get you nowhere to complain. Just keep your business to yourself. If you need to visit the doctor, go. But don't elaborate. Physical pain is a private thing and beyond legal protection, out-of-the-office coverage, and work-load restructuring, people do not need to know. Build a reputation for being known as a hard, smart, efficient worker, and people will give you slack when you (shockingly!) underperform,

4. Call in sick. If you would be better off at home, know you can't get it together, and will make yourself look bad by being at work, stay or go home. But if you're like me, and you know you will get better later on in the day (FMS apparently is a morning hormonal problem, exacerbated by the weather), then just be quiet & wait it out until you feel better. People will tend to remember the best of you, and the hard-working part of you, as long as it's a trend.

5. Cry it out. Like Tyra told the America's Next Top Model contestants, sometimes you just got to cry it out, otherwise you will look like you are about to cry all day long. Go to the bathroom & admit to yourself how bad you feel. Once you stop putting on a show for yourself, get out there all that fear & frustration, you will feel better emotionally, be less likely to take it out on others, and at least know what the hell you are crying about.

Being professional in pain is a whole new challenge. Luckily as a performer I've learned a bit of professional armor. I don't like to carry it around all the time, but sometimes you just need to smile through your tears. Other people will never understand. Don't try to make it happen, just cry your river & watch the flowers grow.

When Your Pain Is the Energizer Bunny - & You Can't Kill the Wabbit

The worst feature about chronic pain is that it just keeps on going...and going....and going....and going...and going....and going...and going....

And this will sound really crass, but if you aren't on the verge of death, nobody really cares.

But you.

The wearing factor of chronic pain is something I have considered for years. It is perhaps the most insidious and damaging aspect of pain. Not the fact that it EXISTS, but the fact that it WON'T STOP.

...(more to come)