Taking your pain out on other people is a natural tendency. It's one that is hard to fight, and hard to build tools around because nobody trains you in this. Ever.
So that's what I am here to do. A mini-training session on how to be happy when you're miserable. Notice I didn't say APPEAR happy, I said BE happy. I think it is possible to go for the higher level of being, rather than just faking it. But if you can't quite reach the BE state, just go for the APPEARANCE. Trust me, you will want this so that you can preserve your relationships, your job, your friends.
Here is how you do it, in a nutshell:
1. Get your basic needs met. All the time. In the particular moments (or hours, or days) when you have to relate to people while in pain, it is most important that you meet your needs. Whether this be
- popping that ibuprofen before the pain escalates
- stretching ouchy muscles
- getting ergonomic accomodations in the workplace (required by law, DO ask for this, no matter how embarrassed you are)
- getting to bed by 10 p.m.
- stopping your kids from waking you up unnecessarily
- locking your cat out of your room
- sleeping alone, even if you are in a relationship
- carrying food around in your handbag to eat at any time
- stopping your activities to eat, drink, etc.
DO IT NOW! You can't be happy when your needs aren't met.
2. Muzzle your mouth. Learn self-control, and learn to think before speaking. A good way to do this is to have a "pain persona." This is like your professional self. Put your best-self forward, whether you feel like it or not. Fake it. Stop complaining & just put on your "pain persona." Learn to make it automatic. "How am I? GREAT! How are YOU?" [Smile][Walk on] And if you think you can reserve your "pain persona" only for your co-workers and out-side folk, you are DEAD WRONG. You need it for your significant other and family members also. In fact, even moreso for them. They deserve the best of you, don't they?
3. Withdraw to your comfort zone. Do the least possible, interact with other people the least possible, and make sure that you focus on getting through the pain without it affecting other people. Let people come to you if they want, but don't seek out sympathy. Just go take care of you.
4. If you must talk, talk only to "safe" people. Do not tell everyone that you are feeling bad, they really don't want to know. Trust me. They don't. If you think it's showing on your face, you can say a mild "Sorry if I look a little down, I'm not, just not feeling great right now." That's it. With your significant other (who I hope is safe for you), you can talk sometimes in depth about your pain. But reserve those times for few & far between. Let them know in general how you are, but don't overload them just because they are safe and available. That will create resentment on their behalf, and unfortunately, YOU have to manage their resentment.
5. Reschedule stuff for a better time. If you are just not "up" for whatever you have to do, see if you can reschedule. If you can't, do only the basic that is required. This will keep your resentment down at your own illness. Save the outperformance for a time when it is appropriate.
6. Reward yourself. Put on your calendar a small reward for every time you don't blurt out how sick you are when the timing isn't good, or when the person doesn't want to hear it. Challenge yourself to do your best all the time at putting your best "pain persona" forward, and then knowing when and how to let it down.
If you can do all of this, you will find that your internal anger at your illness and helplessness will diminish, and you will be able to live in the "happy" more often, even if your body says "ouch."
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